Five Years
by souled-angel
Summary: Five years after defeating the Sunnydale Hellmouth, Buffy has since given in to depression over her losses... but Patrolling one night, she finds someone she never thought she'd see again.
1. Depression

**A/N:** And another new story… This one doesn't involve anything that's happened in Angel, so it's just continuation of the seventh season… well, more or less anyway.

* * *

Five years had passed since the closing of the Sunnydale Hellmouth. The power of all the Slayers had been recaptured in the Scythe, mainly because it had been agreed that it wasn't fair to have so much strength running around in the world.

Buffy sat in her apartment, on the edge of her bed, gazing out at the pouring rain. She did this everyday. She sat, holding her left hand, still feeling the flames from five years ago.

Today, it was the anniversary… At three o'clock it had been the exact time. A tear slid down her cheek. She had been fine for the first year… then when the power of the other slayers had been given back to her… the pain came back.

She reached up and wiped the tear away. He had died a hero. For _her_. If she hadn't loved him at that moment, she definitely did now. Flashes kept coming back to her as she sat on the bed, her head tilted as she watched the rain pour down.

A knock on her door ripped her thoughts away. **_Spike!_**

"Buffy?" It was Willow. Mentally, she slapped herself. Every creak in the floor she thought was him. But it never was. "I have a Christmas tree. We can decorate it…"

Buffy sighed and walked over to the door, unlocking it slowly and opening it.

"How are you feeling today?"

She shrugged slightly and walked over to her couch; sitting on the edge and watching Willow drag a small box into the room.

"You look better," She said cheerfully, opening the box and pulling out a small, plastic tree, "You feel any better?" she started to hang gold baubles on the tree. Buffy watched her reflection in the baubles, seeing the flames erupt from their hands over and over in her mind.

She wrapped her arms around herself and watched the decorations on the tree going up. Christmas was nothing without him… The last three years had proved that.

Angel had taken over an evil law firm in Los Angeles, generously donating an apartment block to her and her friends. The apartments inside were huge. There was a penthouse on top which Willow and Kennedy shared, and a big reception area on the first floor. The basement had been off limits from day one. Buffy had made it into a shrine to remember him. He would have hated it… but she didn't. It helped her remember.

Buffy took a room on the fifth floor. It was small, and the rest of the floor was deserted. She had asked to have it to herself in the first year…

She pulled his lighter out of her pocket and began to play with it seconds before Willow's hand covered hers.

"Sweetie… I told you yesterday, you can't play with that until you get better. I don't want any accidents…" she gently took the lighter from Buffy, "The pain will lessen…eventually."

Buffy knew she spoke from experience. She had lost Tara. But another person had been made for her. Kennedy. Buffy had already had her fair share. Angel, Riley… Spike.

Xander spent all of his time with Andrew. Andrew was the only one that could provide him with information about Anya. The only one who could really tell him anything... Another tear escaped Buffy's eye, running down her cheek. Anya was another one they lost.

She lost too many on that day. Far too many. She shivered as she remembered him again. Smiling as he saved the world. For _her_…

Willow wrapped her arms around Buffy's small frame as she shook with sobs.

"Shhh…" she whispered, rocking back and forth with her, "I know…" Buffy snuggled closer to Willow, her pain pouring through her in violent shakes.

Soon, Buffy calmed herself. _Deep breaths_…

Willow held her at an arms length and looked deep into her eyes sympathetically. They did this almost everyday. Buffy was eternally grateful to have Willow to lean on… She was always there, helping with food and cleaning and whatever Buffy needed help with…

Buffy hadn't spoken a true sentence for years. She had almost forgotten how. Everything was spoken to her. She nodded or shook her head… her friend's had become accustomed to her depression, though, Willow and Xander were the ones that helped the most. Dawn was there if Buffy took a bad turn, as was Giles. Faith tried when she could. Though the slaying duties were shared, Faith was the one that killed the most in a night… there was not much Buffy could do. Punning had long since left her vocabulary…

Willow dropped her arms to her sides and walked back over to the tree, which she continued to decorate.

* * *

Night fell quickly, and the rain still hadn't stopped. Regardless of the weather, Buffy shuffled over to her wardrobe and pulled out a pair of jeans and a white sating cami, lines with lace. She took her leather jacket out and folded it over her arm, taking her apartment key as she walked out the door.

She ignored the lift and walked to the stairs. Elevators had begun to remind her of what happened with Glory…

She jogged down the stairs, slipping on her jacket. She looked like any young woman going out for a night with the girls. Instead, she was the Slayer, going out on another pointless night of Slaying.

She walked half heartedly to the local cemetery. By coincidence, it had been called Restfield. Every time she saw the sign she shuddered inwardly. It was like a sign.

She pulled her stake out of the waist band of her pants and squelched through the muddy ground. The weather was playing out her feelings. She knew it.

A silhouette stalked her through the shadows. If it killed her tonight, she wouldn't have a problem with it.

She felt it watching her. She heard it moving. Then she saw it. Her eyes widened and a strangled cry escaped her lips as it tackled her to the ground pinning her beneath it.

It was moments later that she saw who it was. It was another dream. It had to be. She couldn't stop the tears that came to her eyes as she saw him. She mouthed his name, but no sound came out. Her vocal chords shut down after the first year reunion.

Vampire mask took over his face as he smelled her. She drew back a fist and punched him. For causing her all that pain. She always did this in the dreams. Always hurt him.

_  
You always hurt the ones you love._

She got up off the muddy ground, rain washing the dirt away from her. Tears poured from her eyes, mixing with the rain. He got up off the ground and slipped out of his mask.

His hair was brown now… and long. It was wet, making it darker than it normally was in her dreams… He wore rags… stained with blood.

Her bottom lip quivered as she saw the cuts and bruises that invaded his body. His hands were scraped up and his feet were bare. Then she looked into his eyes and she knew it wasn't a dream. In her dreams she could never see his eyes. Instead, his hair covered them. Now, they were there. As clear as anything. Bluer than the sky on a hot summer's day.

She reached out and stroked his cheek. He pulled back, his face expressionless. Rain poured down over both of them, though, he was the only one of the two who shivered. She watched him through blurred eyesight, unsure of what to do.

Tenderly stepping forward, she maintained eye-contact, reaching out for his hand and taking it in her own. When he flinched, she did too, but didn't let go of his hand.

Slowly turning, she led him back to the apartment block, taking him up the stairs and into her room. Then, watching him as she backed into the wardrobe, she went to find some towels and medical supplies before sitting him on the couch with her…

* * *

**A/N:** Please review… Tell me what you think. Thank you. 


	2. My Secret

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for reviewing. It really makes me want to write more.

**SpikeAbsessor**: Thank you!  
**lafemme540**: I think I'm more chapters than these two. I'm waiting to see what sort of responses I get to the first couple.  
**chiefhow**: Willow did the whole Christmas tree thing to get Buffy in the spirit. She is Jewish and all that, but Buffy's depressed… so hey, helping her friend, you know? Thankyou for reviewing.  
**funkydevil206**: Ha, thank you for your review!  
**spikegothicchick**: Will do. I'm glad you like it.  
**spbangel**: We'll see…  
**Celtic** **Cross**: Thank you! This is… fairly soon to update.  
**elle** **m**: I think I'll continue it. I'm just going to see if anyone responds to my first few chapters.

I'm really sorry about the delays… In updating I mean. My second-Uncle died the day before Christmas… and I've had some trouble finding the inspiration to write. Therefore this chapter has a bit of crying. Something I can actually write about at the moment. Here it is…

* * *

He looked at her with fear in his eyes. She tried to tell him that it was okay, but she could only mouth them.

She tried again, forcing the words out. "Ike!" a look of amazement appeared on her face.

"Sp… Spike?" she asked shakily. He showed no recognition to his own name. Her eyes lowered to the supplies she had gathered. She picked up a dampened cloth and started to dab at an open wound that extended from his elbow to the inward side of his wrist.

He winced, proving physical and emotional pain. It took all she had not to wince as well.

Her throat felt scratchy from the forced usage of her vocal chords, but it didn't stop her from trying to speak to him more. She made a buzzing noise as she cleared her throat, humming to get used to it.

Spike's head tilted affectionately. It was almost as if he were an animal. Or something similar.

She smiled shyly and looked down, withdrawing the cloth from his arm.

"Uh…" she looked back up and met his eyes. "Can you…" she cleared her throat again. "Understand… me?"

He squinted at her and opened his mouth slightly. Then he closed it and looked down at his hands, which were cradled in his lap.

She opened her own mouth to speak again, but was interrupted by a fit of coughs. They were followed by harsh sobs as reality stabbed her over and over. Soon, she was on her knees at the side of the couch wailing into a cushion.

She choked on a sob and looked up at him apologetically. He stared back at her, tenderly reaching out and stroking her hair. She leaned into his embrace, but no sooner had it come than it had retracted. She wiped away her tears harshly, holding her breath as an attempt at stopping.

Odd snorts came out of her nose as her only way of releasing the sobs before she gave in and started to cry again. Spike's eyes darted around the room frantically.

"I'm…" she gagged, coughing frantically as she choked againon her own sobs. "So… sorry."

She breathed in deeply, her body shaking violently.

_In, and out. In, and out._

After a few moments, her breathing was under control. She wiped the tears away and picked up the bottle of antiseptic.

Pouring it onto a spare cloth, she started dabbing at his open wounds again, still sniffling. He winced numerous times, but didn't pull away from her.

"You know…" she whispered now, afraid that talking could make her cry again. She had already used so many tears over the past five years. Spent them all. On him. _For_ him. "Do you… remember me?"

He looked to her, then back to his hands.

"Me." She mumbled. She picked up a bandage and started to fix his wounds. "Buffy."

His head shot up. His eyes met hers in momentary understanding. It was his turn to form the words now. She saw him mouth her name. Familiarity in his blue stare, but nothing beyond that. No knowing.

She swallowed and patted her chest softly. "Buffy."

He tilted his head.

It was enough. She reached forward and took his hand in her own.

"Look… I don't know if you understand a word… that I'm saying to you… but… You're Spike. You've been gone… forever. Five years, Spike. Five whole years, you left me. By myself. Alone."

She stroked his hand, kissing it softly before returning it to his lap. "Never mind…" she whispered, cleaning up the last of his cuts.

She picked up all the things she had bought out and put them back. Then she walked over to her bed and did her 'Buffy Turn-Down Service' for him.

"Spike?" _Oh right. He doesn't know his name. _She walked out and took his hand, leading him to the bedroom and sitting him on the bed.

"Sleep?" she asked, lying him down. His eyes remained glued on hers. She could have sworn she saw a hint of trust in them. Trust for her.

Maybe it had been the whole 'Inviting-him-in-her-apartment' thing that triggered it…

She watched him as his head was embraced by pillows. His eyes slid shut on their own accord, verifying to Buffy that he hadn't slept since his return. Then she frowned. _When had he returned?_

* * *

Buffy's eyes fluttered open. She glanced around the still-dark apartment. _What was the time_?

A clock sitting on the coffee table told it to be 4:11 A.M. She sighed and got off the couch.

"Shit!" She gasped, running into the bedroom and drawing the blinds. Sunlight was near, and if she hadn't woken up when she had…

Which bought up the next question. Why _was_ she awake so damn early? She fidgeted on the spot.

Oh yes. Today was the 25th of December. **Christmas**. She always woke up early on Christmas. Ever since she was a kid. Then she would run into Dawnie's room and shake her till she woke up so they could go and see their presents.

Her lips quivered into a small smile at the memory. Of course, it wasn't true. It was another artificial memory placed there by the monks… but it was enough for her to remember it as if it had happened.

Spike stirred on the bed. She looked over to him. The rags he wore only covered minimal amounts of his body. The body she knew so well…

His own blood stained them. She didn't know if he was feeding off humans… or even if he still had his soul. But looking into his eyes, she could almost see it still there. So she hadn't panicked.

She had to get him clothes. Proper clothes.

A knock on the door startled her. Who the _hell_ would be here at this time in the morning?

Closing the bedroom door softly, she tip-toed over to the door and opened it. Willow stood on the opposite side.

"Buffy! Merry Chris—"

Buffy put a hand over the red-heads mouth and pulled her inside, closing the door softly.

She removed the hand slowly, checking that Willow wasn't going to talk. Spike would wake up otherwise, and he really needed to sleep.

"Will." She smiled softly at her.

Willow's jaw dropped open and her head cocked to the side. Her eyes watered slightly as she smiled, "You're talking?"

"Shhh."

"But you're… what?"

Buffy took her hand and led her to the bedroom. She pushed the door open to reveal the sleeping form of Spike.

"Oh my Goddess!" Willow gasped, walking over to the bedside with hereyes wide. She was nose to nose with Spike when he opened his own eyes. A sharp breath was drew in by his nasal passages before he jumped up and sprinted over to Buffy. Neither of them had seen anything except the blur of his form as he ran to her.

He hid behind the Slayer, peering out at Willow over her shoulder.

"He's… It's… Spike?" she asked, her eyes wide.

Buffy glanced behind herself at him. "I… I found… him."

"You found him? Buffy… how! Where?"

Buffy chewed on her bottom lip. "He was… in the…" she cleared her throat. She was still getting used to the talking thing. "Graveyard. When… I patrolled."

"And you're talking and he's here and… wow. Buffy… oh my…" before Buffy could contradict what was happening, Willow had lunged herself at her, hugging her tightly.

Buffy hugged her back briefly, all the while trying to keep an eye on Spike, who had jumped backwards still at Willow's movements.

"He's… fragile… at the moment… and he needs… blood. And clothing. And he…" Tears filled her eyes. "He…" She drew in a shaky breath and released it. Her tears leaked out slowly. "He's back, Wills. He… He came back."

Willow smiled and released her. "He came back for you, Buffy."

Buffy offered a wobbly smile as she looked over at him. He stared back at her warily.

"I can get some food and clothes for him, if you like. I'm doubting you want to leave him…" Willow suggested. Buffy could see the glee in her eyes. The happiness that Buffy was coming through her depression.

"No…" she shook her head. "Never leaving him again. But Will…"

"Yes?"

"Can this be… one of… my secrets?" she asked timidly. "Can you not tell anyone… yet?" she reached back and took his hand. "I like having… something…" she cleared her throat, searching for the words.

"You like having something that's yours."

Buffy looked at her and nodded.

"I know that feeling… Tara was mine. When you didn't know about her. She was just… mine."

"She... _always_ was."

Willow nodded. "Always is and always will be. Kennedy knows that."

Spike tightened his hold on Buffy's hand, causing her to look over at him curiously. His eyes gazed up at her impishly, giving him the look of a little boy. She smiled at him kindly, wiping awaymore of her tears.

"I'll go and get those supplies…" Willow whispered, walking past them and through the door to the lounge room. "I'll get back to you by the end of the day… and I'll tell Faith it's her patrol tonight. Do you need anything else? Groceries, lingerie, books, anything?"

"All of the above?" she asked.

Willow smiled. It had been four years since Buffy had spoken properly. Four years since she had ever wanted anything. And in that case, she was willing to buy her the whole mall to try and get her back to the way she had used to be. The Slayer she once was. The girl.

With that, she nodded and left, leaving Buffy and Spike as they were, holding hands. In silence.

"Do… you mind?" she asked him. "Being my secret?"

He cocked his head to the side.

"Buffy's secret?"

His mouth formed her name once more before he inclined his head slightly. "Buffy." He croaked, the same as she had the day before.

A tear spilled out of her eye and travelled down her cheek. He reached up and wiped it away with his forefinger.

"Buffy." He whispered, nodding.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm pretty sure I warned you about the crying thing, right? Well… There's chapter two. I hope you like it. _Please_ tell me if you did or didn't. And any suggestions are welcome. 


	3. Hold Me

**A/N**: Thank you all for reviewing, and reading. I hope you all like this chapter. I also obtained a request to make the chapters longer… done.

**spbangel**: Thank you very much. Both, for reviewing, and understanding. I'm glad you like it!  
**AnimeAngel41**: I'll try and make the chapters longer  
**chiefhow**: Thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter!  
**spikegothicchick**: Thank you! I'm really glad that you are enjoying it!  
**lafemme540**: Thank you so much.  
**CC**: Thank you! I'll try and work on the description and spelling errors  
**funkydevil206**: I hope you like this one!  
**Harry P and Draco M Fan**: I know! I'm the author and I'm hoping that Spike's going to remember her. Ha.  
**Celtic** **Cross**: Aw. I don't know how long it's going to be until he remembers her – but when he does it'll probably mean the end of this fic and the start of a sequel…  
**Adainya**: Thank you. Honest opinion though – what do you think I could do to improve this story?  
**LestatBP**: Thank you! I hope you like this chapter!

* * *

A soft knock at the door roused him from sleep. Such acute hearing was hard to live with. He glanced over at the fair haired woman who answered the door and let in her friend.

They began to talk, and the red-head gave the blonde some of her bags.

He tilted his head and watched the exchange, curious as to whom these people were. He looked around slowly, taking in his surroundings as he had done twice that day. The blonde woman looked over to him and smiled reassuringly.

He got up off the couch and walked over to her, standing faithfully at her side. There was something he liked about her, something he found… special. He knew that she had known him before… but he couldn't remember before. All he remembered was the excruciating pain. The screams… _his_ screams. And hers.

He closed his eyes tightly at the memory, willing it away, before he re-opened them and looked to the girl… the **woman** beside him. It was she who had screamed. He remembered.

And he took a step away from her. For a moment, she was confused as his actions. And then, she was hurt. He could see it all passing through her eyes. He knew he was significant to her. Her pulse sped up whenever she looked at him, and her entire personality bubbled.

Judging from the red-head's reaction to him, she had once known him as well. But their relationship… had not been what he had with the other woman.

The blonde stared gently at him for a moment before looking to the red-head and taking some more bags from her. She embraced her for a moment, then watched her take her leave.

He, on the other hand, stood and watched. Confusion overwhelmed him. He didn't know who he was, or what he was doing here. The only thing he knew was Buffy. And he wasn't even sure what that was.

"Spike…" the blonde whispered, stepping towards him. He stepped away, more out of reflex than anything else. Again, he saw both the confusion and the hurt flash in her eyes. "It's okay. It's me. It's Buffy…"

He looked up. What the bloody hell was Buffy? She kept saying it, and he kept hearing it, but what was it?

"Me," she patted her chest. "Bu-ffy."

"Buffy…" he whispered looking into her green eyes as she nodded.

"You're Spike… William…"

His eyes widened. **William**. He _knew_ William. _He_ was William.

"William," she smiled, seeing the progress. "You're William. But I know you as Spike. You're a vampire," that earned her a tilt of the head, "Vampire. You. You…you drink blood. And… You live forever… but… but you… you, Spike… William… whoever you are, you saved the world. You died and didn't live forever… and you did it for me. For Buffy."

"Buffy…" he repeated, stepping towards her. She stood still, watching him carefully. He reached out and put a hand on her chest, above her heart, "Buffy."

A tear rolled down her cheek and she nodded. "Yes. Buffy."

They stood like that forever. Or that's how it seemed to William. He swallowed slowly and took his hand off of her chest. Then he was rudely interrupted by a feral growl.

His eyes went wide and he jumped onto the table that sat near three feet away.

She laughed quietly. "Your stomach. You're hungry."

He raised an eyebrow at her, still unsure of what exactly she was saying.

"Here…" she rummaged through one of the bags and pulled out a dark crimson sachet. He sniffed the air and instantly knew that was what he craved. "Blood…" she whispered, walking over to him and ripping the corner off it.

He jumped off of the table and cocked his head to the side, slowly inching towards her. She led him to a chair, where he sat. She took the one across from it and coaxed him to open his mouth. When he did, she dipped a finger into the sachet and raised it to his lips.

He smelt it cautiously, darting out his tongue to taste it. He grinned and reached out for her hand, bringing it into his mouth and sucking all the blood off. He licked a stray drop before the rest of the sachet was brought to his lips.

"Drink. Be a good boy…" she said kindly, "William."

He smiled shyly at her and began to drink. He soon finished it, looking to her for praise.

She simply patted his hand and got up off the chair, walking off to the bedroom.

He sat for a moment, thoughts flying through his head.

He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and standing. He padded towards the bedroom, through the door that the _girl… the woman… the _**Buffy**… had just disappeared through.

She gasped when she saw him, quickly pulling on a tan-brown dress.

"William!" she whispered loudly, "Umm… You can't… do that…"

He cocked his head to the side affectionately, trying to understand what she was saying.

"How about we get you into some clothes, yeah?" she asked, pulling her hair out of the dress and letting it fall softly around her shoulders.

She walked forward and took his hand, tugging gently as she led him to the bags that the red-head had bought. She rummaged through one of them, pulling out a pair of black jeans and a navy blue button down shirt.

"Put these on?" she asked, handing them to him.

Again, he understood not a word she said. So he simply handed the clothes back to her. She chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully before nodding to herself. She walked over to him and pulled off his shirt, or remains of.

He watched her eyes travel over his bloodied body. He saw the naked wanting behind her stare. And yet, he stood, frozen, not remembering anything. She took his hand in hers and led him to the bathroom, where she turned on the bath. He watched it fill, hypnotized by the flow of the water. She roused him from his thoughts by dropping to her knees and pulling his pants down.

He stared at her, blinking softly, studying her. Her gaze travelled over his body once again.

Suddenly, she stood. "In the tub with you."

She guided him over to the bath and helped him in. Picking up the sponge, she began to wash him, getting rid of the dirt and dried blood tracks. The water was soon tinted red, and he had decided that he was clean, so he stood to get out. Buffy swallowed and reached for a towel, handing it to him.

He frowned at her. _What was she giving him?_

She giggled slightly. It was the most beautiful noise that William had ever heard. That is, in his twenty-four hours of being back.

"To dry yourself," she explained. His look remained blank and she laughed. "Fine. I'll help. Don't you dare expect this all the time."

He grinned at her. Her laughter was enough to coax an English-Guard to laugh with her.

She started at him arm, slowly drying it, before she moved to his chest, sweeping the towel across it slowly, picking up all the water droplets. She span him around and dried his back, moving down over the curve of his butt and around his leg.

She repeated it on the other side, soon drying him. He stood before her now, naked and dry.

* * *

She smiled softly at his openness.

"Let's get you dressed then, huh? Then I can tell you about yourself. Remind you. What do you think?" she asked, picking up a pair of boxers that she had snatched from one of the bags on her way in and helping him step into them.

She pulled them up around his waist and smiled, repeating the motion with the jeans. She zipped up his fly and did up the button with the smile still on her face. She took one last, long ogle at his perfect chest before sliding his arms into the shirt and buttoning it up.

"Come now. We can go and sit on the couch and I'll tell you a little a bit about your life… or what I know of it, anyway. I promise I'll try to be nice about my distaste for… well… the murders. And I won't cry… oh. And just so you know… I haven't spoken for four years… so I'm a little rusty on the conversation thing… but in my books, you're actually supposed to talk back," she said, raising her eyebrows at him as she did up the last button. She took his hand and led him back out to the couch, where she sat him down.

She took a seat next to him, pulling her legs up under her as she curled herself up on the sofa. She turned to him and lay her head on the lounge.

"So… You aren't going to talk, huh?" she mumbled, trying to figure out exactly what to do. "Well, that's okay. I'll just babble. I have to get used to using my vocal chords again anyway. Or so says Doctor Willow. You know her actually. Or you did. She's a witch. And a lesbian."

He raised his eyebrows at that.

"Knew you'd remember that one. Everyone remembers the un-important facts…" she shook her head in mock disgust, "Anyway… she was going out with Tara. Tara… she was special. A really beautiful person. You hit her to prove that she wasn't a demon. That's because you had a chip that prevented you from harming humans.

"The chip was removed… it was causing you to have un-necessary shocks… because that's what it did. It gave you shocks to your brain to prevent you from harming humans. Except, when I died and came back… you could hit me… because… I came back wrong.

"Oh… me dying. That's a completely different story. Do you remember Dawnie? Of course you do. Dawn is my sister. She's all grown up now. Her hair's layered and streaked… she's really quite the woman… Anyway. When Dawn was about…" Buffy thought for a second. "Fifteen, I'd say… she was actually a key. Ancient monks created her into a being out of pure green mystical energy.

"They planted false memories in everyone's brains, so that it seemed that she had been with us for all of those fifteen years…but, you know, she hadn't.

"You used to sit for Dawn all the time. Watch her for me… protect her. Hey, you got beat to a bloody pulp just to keep a secret to save her… and me." Buffy drew in a breath and glanced away. "I don't know whether I should tell you this… but I will. You… you were in love with me… And hey, at first, I was just… disgusted. I mean, a soulless… _thing_… can't love. But you proved me wrong. Again and again…

"When I died… you counted the days… you watched Dawn… and you saved me…" her eyes filled with tears, "Or so you said. You said every night you saved me. Um…" She tried to remember exactly what he said."Not when it counted… but after that. Every night after that. And every time it was different. Faster, more clever. Dozens of times, lots of different ways." The tears spilled over her eyelids and ran down her cheeks.

"Please… can you…" she looked away, and smiled slightly through her tears, "If I asked you to _hold me_… would you understand?" she asked, her smile wavering as he closed his eyes.

* * *

"_They need you!" Spike insisted, referring to the potential Slayers_

_Buffy looked at him, "Well… I"_

"_It's bloody chaos over there without you!" he exclaimed._

"_It is?" she asked, looking up at him._

"_Yeah!" he saw the progress "Yeah, it's, uh… There's junk… You know? Food cartons, sleeping bags no rolled up, everyone's very scared and… uh… unkept…"_

_Buffy smirked. "Sounds dire."_

"_I didn't see a lot…" Spike sat on the edge of the bed, beside her, "I came, hit Faith a bunch of times, and left."_

"_Really? I mean, not that I'm glad, but—"_

"_Oh, you say the word, and she's a footnote in history. I'll make it look like a painful accident," he volunteered._

"_That's my problem. I say the word, and some girl dies… every time…"_

"_There's always casualties in war…" he told her._

"_Casualties. It just sounds so...casual. These are girls that I got killed. I cut myself off from them...all of them. I knew I was gonna lose some of them and I didn't—" she shook her head and stood up, "You know what? I'm still making excuses. I've always cut myself off. I've always—" she sighed, "Being the slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me, and I just slip away," she chuckled, "You should know." _

Spike tilted his head. "I seem to recall a certain amount of connecting."

_She shook her head. "Oh, please! We were never close. You just wanted me because I was… unattainable."_

_He stood angrily. "You think that's all that was?"_

"_Please, let's not go over the past." She sat again._

"_Oh, no, no. Let's hold on there. I'm hummed along to your pity-ditty and I think I should have the mike for a bit."_

"_Fine. The stage is yours cheer me up." _

"_You're insufferable."_

"_Thank you. That really helped…" she said sarcastically._

"_I'm not trying to cheer you up," he retorted._

"_What are you trying to say?"_

"_I don't know. I'll know when I'm done saying it. Something pissed me off, and I just… **Unattainable**. That's it."_

"_Fine. I'm attainable. I'm an attain-a-thon. May I please just go to sleep?" she asked. _

"You listen to me," he kneeled in front of her, "I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls." He looked into her eyes, "A hundred plus years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of… you." Buffy looked away and he reached towards her face, "Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, I love you, it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me." A tear rolled down Buffy's cheek, "I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy."

"_I don't wanna be the one," she said quietly._

"_I don't wanna be this good looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear…" Buffy chuckled. "You get some rest now. I'll check in before first light. You can decide how you want…" he walked towards the door._

"_Spike?" he turned to face her, "Could you… stay here?"_

"_Sure." He looked at a chair. "That diabolical old torture device, the comfy chair." He took off his coat. "It'll do me fine."_

"_No, I mean… here." She touched the bed beside her, "Will you just… **hold me**?"_

William's eyes snapped open. He looked over to Buffy, with her tear stained cheeks. He watched her as she studied her hands. And he scooted over beside her, wrapping his arms around her tiny form. Whether or not he was doing it right, he didn't know.

She snuggled into his embrace, cuddling into his chest. William remembered this. That night… where she had asked the same of him. To hold her.

He closed his eyes and rested his cheek on her head, the pads of his thumbs making soothing patterns on her back.

She sighed and closed her eyes, falling into what promised to be a undisturbed slumber.

Just before she fell asleep she whispered to him softly.

"Merry Christmas, William…" she relaxed into his embrace, "Thank you…"

* * *

**A/N:** That's the end of that chapter. I would really appreciate reviews. Thank you. 


	4. Reminiscence

**A/N:** I'm evil and I should be shunned. I couldn't even remember how many chapters I'd done of this story, nor any of my others. Good news, though. I have my website almost set up.

Sorry about the delays. I'm a bitch, I know.

**death lies2**: Thankyou!  
**lafemme540**: More updates I can do.  
**Adainya**: Thank you for your advice. I find it helpful. Anything else you can suggest is great.  
**spbangel**: I'm not good as A.S.A.P updating, huh?  
**Celebwen** **Telcontar**: Thanks  
**DarkasNight**: Sure.  
**elle** **m**: yes, there will definitely be more chapters! I love that scene too. … obviously…  
**kmurphy3**: Sure will.

* * *

Buffy yawned, and blinked a few times as she woke up. She began to remember why exactly she felt so happy, and it brought a smile to her face. She turned her head ever so slightly, to see Spike sleeping behind her.

He snorted in his sleep, jerking and draping an arm over her protectively, his hand resting on her stomach as he mumbled her name.

A tear made its way down her cheek at his simple use of it. What did he remember? She could have sworn something was there when he had held her only the day before.

Her eyelids began to feel heavier once again, so she turned and snuggled further into his chest.

* * *

William opened his eyes, sniffing at the air. What was that intoxicating smell? His acute senses pleaded for more. Strawberries… or honey. He couldn't quite tell. His eyes slithered shut again as he inhaled. God it was heaven.

After a few minutes of smelling the sweet scent under his nose, he reopened his eyes, focusing on the locks of blonde hair flowing around his chest from the blonde woman's head.

He leant back a little and looked at her. _Buffy_. She was Buffy. She'd been in his dream again. Holding his hand, telling him she loved him. He didn't know how it was relevant that he knew this. But he did. And it was.

She inhaled sharply, pulling back, glancing up at him, then snuggling closer to him still, whispering 'Spike'.

"Buffy," he smiled, watching her look up at him surprised.

She smiled after a second, nodding. "Yes, yes! I'm Buffy!"

He chuckled, running his fingers though her sweet scented hair. "Buffy…"

She bit her lip thoughtfully, gazing into his eyes before pulling back and getting up off the couch. She walked over to the bathroom, opening the door and sliding in.

"I'm just going to clean myself, 'kay? Back in twenty minutes. You might need another bath actually. Your hair looks greasy…" she shrugged, shutting the door softly.

He heard the unmistakable sound of running water. Scratching his head, he slid off the couch and wondered over to the door she had just gone through, examining the handle.

He blinked. Oh well. Had to wait till she came out again. God he hoped she would still smell the same when she reappeared. That scent was amazing…

* * *

Buffy quickly towelled herself dry, hanging it back on the rack next to the one she had dried Spike with only the day before. Fortunately it was navy blue, so you couldn't see any of the dirt that had remained on his body and be wiped onto the towel.

She squeezed the water out of her hair and opened the door to see Spike standing on the other side.

"Spike!" she exclaimed, her heart pounding. Every time she saw him she felt like it was the happiest moment of her life.

He looked away shyly, glancing back at her for a moment before looking back away.

"How about we get that hair nice and… well… actually, brown… seeing as it isn't that ghastly color it used to be. And hey, we might even bleach it again when your more tolerant of acids…" she said brightly, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the bathroom with her, where she had slipped on one of his old black t-shirts with his trademark red buttoned shirt over the top, her tanned thighs peeking out from underneath.

He raised an eyebrow at her, cocking his head to the side.

"We'll bathe you again? Wash that hair? Make you squeaky clean? Like me. Only… less… feminine."

She turned the taps of the tub on again, leaning over and feeling the black shirt ride up her naked thighs, thinking nothing of it.

Accomplishing her task, she turned around grinning.

Spike stood with his eyes wide, staring at her legs. His mouth was open a tiny bit, with a hint of drool on his lip.

"Men," Buffy giggled, walking up to him and sticking her finger in his mouth, "Careful, don't leave that open or someone will… ohhh… oh god…"

Spike had closed his lips around her finger and began to suck slowly on it, his toungue dancing around it.

"Ohh… you haven't lost your touch… oh god… that's good…" she tossed her head back, revelling in the feeling of him sucking so innocently on her finger.

He smiled, sucking harder, watching the emotions playing across her face. Slowing his pace again, he watched as she slowly withdrew it from his mouth.

"Bath?" she suggested, raising her eyebrows and willing herself to sit on the side of the tub.

He lifted his leg in attempt to get in and she sighed heavily, smiling at him. "You just love taunting me, huh?"

She stopped him from putting his leg in the tub as it filled, walking over and un-buttoning his shirt. She ran her hands over his chest as she pushed it back over his shoulders, almost crying at the sight of being able to have the opportunity to see him this way again.

Unzipping his fly, she tugged his pants and boxers down and helped him step out of them, leaving him once again, naked in front of her.

Now was different though. As she tossed the pants over to the doorway, she turned back to see his erection before her.

She closed her eyes for a moment, in attempt to contain herself. The last time they had been this way had been to long ago for her to properly remember.

One of his fingers traced the line of her face, so softly that she could barely feel the presence of it.

"Gah! Bath for you, okay? Bath?" she got up quickly, stumbling forward into his chest, his erection pressing into her belly.

She gasped, reaching down instinctively with her hands and stroking up his length. He made a sound almost identical to a pur, leaning against her.

"No! Bath! Okay? Bath time. In you hop," she took his hand and helped him into the bath, her left hand still gripping his shaft.

His other hand covered hers as he sat in the warm water, helping her to slide it up and down for him. He grinned impishly at her, and for a moment, she saw the old him. The Spike that had been there before everything.

She laughed nervously and withdrew her hand. "Not now… please… not now…"

He sat in the tub, gazing softly at her with his bright blue eyes. "Buffy."

"Spike…" she whispered, brushing her hand over his cheek, staring lovingly at him, the way a wife would look at her husband if her were on his deathbed.

It seemed as though all she had done was cry since he'd returned, and one would think that she would have no more tears, but fate proved her wrong again as a tear trickled down her cheek.

"Thank you for coming back… thank you so much…" she poured a bucket of water over his head, wetting his hair, all the while shielding his eyes with her other hand.

She lathered some shampoo in his hair, washing it out with the bucket again as more tears escaped. "You came back… you saved the world… and you're still here…"

She sobbed, clearing away all the remains of shampoo that had been in his hair. He reached up and grabbed her wrist, his other hand wiping away her tears.

"Beautiful," he muttered, pulling her towards him.

Her bottom lip quivered as she stepped over the side of the tub and sat in the water on his thighs. He pulled her up towards him, wrapping his arms around her and lying her on his chest.

"Beautiful… Buffy…" he whispered, kissing the top of her head gingerly, and hugging her close.

The water washed over her shirt and overshirt, making it instantly soaked through. Her arms went around his naked chest, and she simply lay and felt him soothe her.

"Perfect, beautiful, angel… love…" he whispered calmly to her.

She looked up at him.

"Spike?" she asked weakly.

He tilted his head frowning.

Her heart sank in disappointment. For a moment, she had thought that the old Spike was back. But it was fine. His words were soothing her. Everything was fine for the moment… every thing was…

"Perfect…" he mumbled, stroking her damp hair as she relaxed.

* * *

**A/N:** There we go. Finally a new chapter up for you all! Now, I must update 'How Does it Feel?' because its been so long and I'm slack… Oh! And my websites pretty much working – yay!

Reviews are marvellous! I love you all!


	5. When you made love to me

A/N: I am quite aware that I don't update too often, and I think I'm just developing writer's block. I'm always thinking up new ideas for stories, and fictions, but I don't want to start any stories until I finish some.

**ness345**: Thankyou - I can't wait for them to get together either...  
**spbangel**: Aww, thank you.  
**Adainya: **I'm glad you liked it! I'm trying to figure out exactly where to go from here, you know?  
**sexyspike: **Thank you!  
**Celebwen Telcontar:** And continue I shall...  
**XorderlyXchaosXnXconfusionX: **I'm waiting for the perfect moment for him to remember her...  
**Erik's Chris: **I feel it's having the response I wanted. Which is nice.  
**lafemme540: **I was actually gonna bring old Spike back at that moment... but it was too soon.  
**twotoe: **lol, I'm glad you're liking it! I'm going to wrap it up in the next few chapters, because I need to finish my stories so I can start some new ones... So many ideas, so little time.  
**LoveHiei-Rine:** Thank you so much for your review! It's great that you're enjoying the plot!

I hope you all enjoy this chapter...

_**:PREVIOUSLY:** Buffy thinks for a moment that her Spike has returned to her, only to be disappointed once again with the confirmation that he still remembers nothing._

* * *

Startled as she was, she woke happy. With a smile across her face. It had been a while since she had been this way. Tara's death, Buffy's depression... It had all been quite extreme. But today, Willow finally felt that everything around her was... healing. 

Xander included. He had recently found the serenity of another's arms. Willow's. He had finally cried the tears. The good-bye tears. Of course, Willow didn't take advantage - hey, lesbian - but she did tell Xander that she knew of a possible way to tamper with the magicks to bring Anya back. He had declined.

And it had made Willow proud. Xander was letting go. Not of Anya... but of the obsession.

Willow knew, that today, today was going to be one to remember. One for the books. She smiled, jumping out of her bed and walking over to her desk where she opened up her laptop, running her fingers over the keys. It had been awhile...

When it had started up, she ran her cursor over the top of a document she had started an age ago. Seven or so years, actually.

The document which she had last written in five years ago. The day Buffy lost the love of her life.

Oh yeah... this book was gonna be a seller.

* * *

Buffy's eyes slowly opened. The usual sense of emptiness settled over until she noticed a blue blur in front of her. She blinked a few more times, before she realised what it was. 

**_Spike!_**

A warmth spread through her entire body when she realised it was him. His beautiful blue eyes, staring at her, while he squatted beside her bed, politely keeping his hands to himself.

"C'm'ere..." she mumbled, scooting over and holding her arms out to him as though it was the most casual thing in the world, when actually, her heart was pounding against her chest at the thought of being with him for just one more day.

Eagerly, he climbed up on the bed and snuggled against her, his cool body startling her warm. They adjusted quickly. The Slayer ammune to her long lost love's temperature disabilities.

Spike nuzzled her breast with his nose, slipping an arm around her waist in attempt to be closer to her. She sighed happily, her fingers tracing circles on his cotton clad shoulder blade.

"Buffy..." he breathed, his breath hot on her chest. She looked down to see a contented smile on his face as he listened to her heart pounding it's rhythm.

"Would you like some breakfast?" she whispered, gazing down at him. He glanced up at her, then back at her breast, where he placed the softest, most beautiful kiss. He then got up out of the bed and disappeared into another room. Buffy, curious, slowly slid out of the bed, walking in the same direction as Spike.

She inhaled as she stretched on the spot, smelling something delicious. She blinked a few times, then walked into the kitchen, seeing Spike at the stove, surrounded by food, and experimental meals.

He was frowning at pancake, which was bubbling and going darker. Finally, he picked up the saucepan, dumped it in the bin and picked up the phone.

Coughing, he started over, nodding to himself.Then Buffy realised that he was actually _on_ the phone. She smiled, seeing him pour some more pancake mixture into the saucepan and watch for it to start bubbling.

When it did, he coughed again, nodded once more, and flipped the pancake. It was a perfect flip, too. Landed straight back in the saucepan. He chuckled and continued on with an omlette in another pan.

Placing the phone back on the counter, he grunted when he noticed the pancake was done, placing it on one of the many plates that surrounded him.

Suddenly, he paused. His body went completely still.

_There's no way..._ she thought to herself, _There's absolutely no way he remembers my scent..._

But she heard him whisper it. Her name, so soft and light on his lips. Then he turned, a look of absolute admiration in his beautiful royal blue eyes. She looked at him with her own feelings raw. Placed on a platter in front of him, and just hoping - _wishing _- that he would remember everything... anything... **her.**

He picked up the telephone and muttered her name into it, before putting it back on the counter and slowly stalking towards her.

She stepped back cautiouly, to find herself cornered between the fridge, the wall and Spike. He licked his lips sensuously, as though he knew it was something that would make a flood between her legs. Then he dove, into the wall and grabbed both of her hands, pinning them above her head. She tilted her head so that her lips were in range of his, awaiting his kiss.

Instead of pressing his lips to hers, his ghosted over her face, his eyes closed. He traced her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, and finally...

His lips were a whisper against her own, hovering only a fraction apart. Each time he moved, his nose would brush hers, and soon she felt him giving in to desire.

He pressed his lips to hers, and she opened them instinctively, waiting for his tongue to venture into her mouth. For a few moments, they simply kissed - no tongues, no feeling. Soon, one of his hands dropped from it's position of pinning hers to the wall, and traced up her side, and back down again.

She felt his tongue lick a line across her bottom lip, and hers ventured out to greet it, twirling around and allowing him to experiment a bit.

* * *

William was in heaven. He was done with experimentation. Impatience flooded him. His hard-on was becoming painful, and instinct was telling him exactly what to do. His hand fell from her side to her thigh, and his other left from the wall, allowing hers to be free. 

Slowly, he picked her up and circled her legs around him, bracing himself against the wall with her.

"Bedroom..." she mumbled against his lips, and William knew exactly what she meant. Her hands cupped his face, peppering kisses against his lips as he used his newly-found strength to carry her into the room in which she had slept.

One of her hands dropped down to his pants, snapping off the button and sliding down the fly roughly. He knew she had waited too long to do this. Her toes hooked under the belt loops and pushed downwards, effectively removing any clothing on his lower half.

He lowered her onto the bed and climbed on top of her, stalking his prey. She had a look of... excitement in her eyes. William smiled evilly. He didn't know where all this feeling had come from. Feeling of want, need, love.

He pushed up her pajama top and kissed the spot just below her navel. She gasped loudly and thrust up against him. Biting his bottom lip, he began to rip open her top, as slow as possible, giving her all the time in the world to object. When it was finally shredded, he made his way up her body, tonguing the valley between her breasts.

She moaned happily, panting, clamping her thighs around his midsection desperately.

William had no idea when exactly she had ripped off his shirt, but it was gone. He could still smell all of the meals that the redhead had helped him cook. They were all wasting away in the kitchen. Maybe they were reheatable...

Her pants were gone now. All that was left was her. Naked and wanting before him. He didn't know what exactly to do, or say. Instinct had since evaporated. He tried to find it again by crawling up her body and dipping his tongue into her mouth, but it was all up to him now. Time for little William to discover a world that existed only in his dreams...

* * *

Buffy gasped when one of his hands moulded itself to her naked breast. She knew he was stuck. Hell, she knew this was his first time as _William_. But she needed this. It was completely selfish. The thing was, she couldn't wait. It was killing her. Being so close to him was making her ache in places she didn't feel like aching. 

Before she knew it, she could feel him nudging at her entrance. She was quite sure he felt it too, when she saw his eyes roll to the back of his head.

A simple sigh of her name floated off his lips as she guided him inside of her. She moaned at the feel of the skin on skin contact with him.

It had been so long since she had been with him... but at the same time, it was only yesterday. Finally, he had filled her. Buffy moaned loudly, her hands falling softly onto the pillow above her head. Spike smiled, and leant down, pressing his lips into hers. His hands reached up and entwined his fingers with hers as he thrust inside of her.

She gasped when he struck her mark. This was real! Spike or William. Whoever he was... it was all true. Love would always find a way.

Pleasure engulfed her. Swallowed her whole. She felt herself falling for the third time. First Angel, then Spike... and now for the beautiful man who was now taking over her life, and heart.

Love-making was a moment that most visioned as soft, delicate... perfect. Smelt of the freshness of roses, with the soft melody of a love song, or Barry White's crisp voice playing in the background. Silken sheets on a bed, candles arranged around the room... Painless, passion consumed.

Spike and Buffy had never shared that.

But as Spike moved over her now, his dusty brown hair swaying in time with his thrusts, it was almost as the dream. It was in no way soft... They were both covered in a shining layer of sweat... Instead of love-music, their pants, sighs and moansfilled the room, and the slapping of their bodies was louder still. Silk sheets weren't layed over the bed. There was rough cotton blankets thrown messily over it from when Buffy had woken up.

There were no candles... But there was passion. And there was love. And neither person nor vampire noticed that they were missing any of the required envisionments. But they needn't have. Because there were no expectations of either.

Spike thrust rythmically in and out of Buffy. And it was perfect. Every single moment that he was with her, was perfect.

It didn't take long for Buffy to know that she was reaching her climax. She clenched her inner muscles. She had more muscles there than anyone, and she knew exactly how to use them. She felt Spike chuckle against her lips as he slipped his tongue inside her mouth once again.

She smiled softly, opening her eyes, and gazing deep into his. Deep pools, they were. You could drown in the faster, and further than in anything else.

She felt it when it came... when she came. She paused for a moment, and then stars exploded before her eyes. It was love-making, what they had been doing... love-making without all the extras. Raw and bare, it was. And it let them have a feel of it for the first time. She felt Spike reach his own climax, before slowly alowing himself to rest on top of her, his head buried in the crook of her neck.

It was his first time, and she had Slayer-strength, so him cuddling up to her was fine. It was more than fine to her... it was perfect. She loved it.

She reached down and stroked her hands through his soft hair, wondering if he'd ever have the urge to dye it again. One thought led to another, and before she knew it, she was wondering whether he would ever be himself again.

He looked up at her, vampire mask firmly in place. Smiling softly, she whispered, "I love you... and now that I have you again, I'm never letting you go. Whether you remember or... not..."

His vampire screening slid away, and his blue eyes returned to her, sparkling at her. She had provided him with the knowledge of the wonders of sex. And he was basking in the after glow. She felt proud to had been able to give him that in return for all the things he had given her in the past few days.

He slid up her body, slowly, leaned on his elbows with his hands tangling in her hair and dipped into her lips, where he began to kiss her, long and slowly, his tongue darting into her mouth at the first opportunity.

She smiled against his mouth. He hadn't forgotton how to...

Her eyes widened. She flipped him under her on the bed, straddling him around the waist and looking down at him with a frown.

His face remained blank as he looked up at her. She had to have been imagining that he had seemed exactly the same as he had been... That kiss... it was just a lesson to him. He didn't know that was one of the million ways that he had kissed her before.

His erection pressed up against her and she let a smile drift across her lips. She felt his muscles twitch under her hands, and the next thing she knew was he was holding her against him ferociously, fingers digging into her back as he kissed her. It was violent... animalistic, even. His teeth bit her bottom lip, and completely devoured her. She heard him breathing deeply through his nostrils, even though he had stopped breathing hundreds of years ago.

She slid her hands up his chest and wound them around his neck, holding him to her, breasts completely flattened against him. They kissed each other like they had almost six years ago, finding something within the other that each wanted more than anything.

Spike pulled away first, and looked down at her lovingly.

"I missed you, Buffy..." he whispered.

A tear quickly escaped the corner of her eye, and before she knew it, she had a river running down her face. Spike smiled softly and kissed them all away, pulling her closer still, and simply holding her for the rest of the morning, breakfast be damned.

Hours later, she pulled out of his embrace and looked up at him, an unspoken question in her eyes.

_When did you remember?_

He looked straight back at her. "When you made love to me."

_End_

* * *

**A/N: **I'll write a sequel to this one day... but for the time being, it's finished, complete, done. So, I'd love some reviews, if you think I should write a sequel, what you think I should put in it...

Thank you all for reading this fiction. I hope you liked reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.


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